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Elsewhere: The Long Walk is Stephen King’s Best Novel

Over at LitReactor, I made my case for The Long Walk. Probably not my favorite King novel, but objectively the best.

Come argue with me.

The Long Walk is a novel King released under his pseudonym Richard Bachman in 1979. It was the first novel he wrote (Carrie was the first one to be published), which is impressive, considering how good it is. He was still in college at the time. I’m not suggesting that King was never able to match his first effort; he wrote other masterpieces after this one. It’s just that this one inches over the finish line first. 

I Review: Bound to Vengeance

Bound to Vengeance has a 20% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which is bizarre. I’m not saying it’s the greatest movie ever made, but in a long line of shitty slasher/exploitation flicks, this was mostly a pleasant surprise.

The review over at The Dissolve is particularly scathing, as it seems to be more interested in figuring out if the director ”sided” with the protagonist or not, which is an…interesting way to review a movie, I guess.

Anyway. This movie is about a kidnapped woman who manages to break free and capture the man that held her in his basement. She makes him lead him to all the other girls his ring of degenerates is holding captive.

This type of movie isn’t really my kind of thing. Victimized women, whether they’re getting revenge or not is something I’m not really interested in. I did stick around however, mostly because it seemed competently shot and acted.

The movie is overall a bit hit and miss. The violence (almost exclusively dealt by the heroine) is brutal and satisfying (What, they’re horrible people, they deserve what they get), the dead women less so. I’m not sure why the screenwriter went with that.

The minor plot twist near the end isn’t really that good. I’d call it pedestrian.

All in all, this is only a recommend for people who like shit like I Spit On Your Grave.

2 out of 5 creep vans

Review: The Babadook

urlThe Babadook is one of those movies that you expect to be disappointed in. A creepy, atmospheric trailer seems to be a recipe for disaster, as proved by movies like The Conjuring, Sinister, Insidious 2, Mama and so on. Your mileage may vary on those flicks, but I was ultimately disappointed in all of them, even if I didn’t outright dislike them.

I’m happy to say Babadook breaks the mold. It’s not a perfect movie, but at least it delivers on what the trailer and the marketing promises. It can be a pretty scary flick at times, but it doesn’t overplay its hand. Even at a crescendo you don’t get a really good look at the boogeyman and it avoids the usual exorcism/easy solution trick that plagues the genre.

Amelia, a widowed orderly, has raised her son Samuel alone following her husband’s tragic death. Sam begins displaying erratic behavior: he rarely sleeps through the night, and is constantly preoccupied with an imaginary monster, which he has built weapons to fight. One night, Sam asks his mother to read from a mysterious pop-up storybook he found on his shelf. The story, titled “Mister Babadook”, is about a supernatural creature that, once someone is made aware of its existence, torments that person indefinitely.

It’s a pretty great setup. Even the book is pretty scary on it’s own.

While the son is pretty irritating and irritating kids are one of my top pet peeves in horror flicks, I have to say he comes around before the halfway point and is generally very believable in his role. The mother’s slow descent into madness and violence seems a bit improbable, but I’m willing to chalk it up to actual mental illness and/or the Babadook’s influence.

The movie is essentially the tale of how mother and son become increasingly cut off from the world as they fall victims to the attention of the Babadook. She loses her job, he gets kicked out of school, her (terrible) sister doesn’t want to see her and so on and so forth. Inside the house, the mother is becoming increasingly erratic and paranoid, at times attacking her own son and at times protecting her from the monster.

The few times we get to see it, it’s fairly terrifying and the sound design is particularly creepy. Bonus points for the movie being light on jump scares. Read on after the jump for my take on the ending.

4 out of 5 ba BA ba DOOK DOOKs

The Babadook

Spoilers abound!

I am a lazy man. My take on the movie as a whole and on the ending in particular is fairly simple: It’s a metaphor for mental illness. That’s not to say everything that happens in the movie is explained this way, I’m sure you can nitpick a few scenes that ”prove” that Babadook is real, but that’s not the point. Both mother and son are unreliable narrators and anyway, everything that happens is a metaphor as well. Amelia ignores the signs of her depression and whatever mental illness seems to be circling her and sinks deeper into it. She cuts herself off from everyone that can see what’s happening either by her actions or on purpose (pulling her kid from school). I don’t want to get too into it, but you could also argue that Sam just goes along for the ride, as kids usually do. Their parents are their compass. If mom says there’s a monster trying to kill them, who is he to argue? Especially since he has been insisting the same thing since before Amelia believed in it.

As for the ending, I take it as a (a bit on the nose) metaphor for acknowledging your problems and choosing to manage them, instead of ignoring them and letting them control you, as symbolized by her ”feeding” the Babadook, the monster (sickness) you can never get rid of.


More Bad Movies: Ghost on Air, Black Rock, Magic Magic

Ghost On Air
I liked the premise of this movie enough to go against my gut feeling and watch it. A popular radio DJ gets moved to the night shift slot and decides to tell ghost stories. Scary shit follows. How could you fail with this premise?

Turns out, pretty easily. The plot was a tad confusing at places, mostly because it featured a bunch of unrelated ghost stories with similar elements. One of them is about a girl who has an abortion and is haunted by her dead kid. The girl’s mom finds her hanging. Then there’s a different young girl haunting a store and it becomes really hard to tell which old lady is the mom from the first story and which one is the shop owner and how, if at all, these two stories are connected (from what I can tell, they’re not, but I’m still confused).

In any case, the DJ’s dead girlfriend was a horror writer who decided to investigate some ghost stories she heard about. It’s unclear even at the end of the movie, if this research was the cause of her death (I’m unsure if we’re ever told how she died, all we get is a scene in a hospital where she’s on a stretcher) or if it was unrelated. The dj finds her notes and after telling the stories on air, decides to also look into these hauntings.

There’s also a subplot about how a young female dj takes the prime-time spot from his, but it’s fairly misogynistic. I was expecting something more interesting to happen, as the woman is always trying to help the protagonist and he always blows her off. Unfortunately, it looks like we’re really supposed to think she’s a horrible monster.

Spoilers follow, including ending.

The movie has a pretty dumb ending. After the DJ ”solves” the hauntings by revealing the truth, he wins an award for best male DJ, gets his old job back and gets to push his rival out of the show. Apparently being a woman and having a job means you’re a whore and you should be punished.

In any case, there’s a scene right after that where the DJ watches on his laptop a video of his girlfriend telling him she’s haunted and asking ”Where are you?” I’m not sure why she’s recording this video or why she’s asking that, it seems like she could have called him or something, but what do I know, I’m not a ghost. Then the ghosts descend upon him and presumably drive him crazy. The end.

All and all, I wouldn’t recommend this movie. It has no good scares, the plot is convoluted for no reason and there just isn’t anything all that interesting here.

2 out of 5 ghost DJs.

Black Rock (spoilers throughout)

Another utterly dumb movie about how apparently ordinary people will decide to commit felonies for no reason, with no regard for their own safety or best interest.

Three women decide to go on vacation back to their childhood vacation spot, on a tiny island. Once there, they meet three hunters who they kinda-sorta know and invite them to hang out. After one of the women flirts with one of the men and invites him into the woods to presumable have sex, she has a change of heart but the guy won’t take no for an answer and tries to rape her. She cracks his skull open with a rock.

His two buddies are upset and decide to kill the three women because of reasons. I don’t know, not a lot makes sense here.

They play the usual cat and mouse game on the island, including more dumb scenes, like having the women try and make it into the water by crawling towards the beach, but one of them freaks out and starts screaming and gets up to run, immediately getting shot in the face.

I don’t know why. She couldn’t get the pressure of crawling on a beach I suppose. The remaining two women run into the water only to realize they’re freezing to death, so they get back out. This, despite a five minute conversation they had before they put the plan in motion, where one of them absolutely knew she could handle the cold water. I guess she was wrong.

The two women get naked to battle hypothermia. I guess the boobs were unavoidable.

Anyway, the movie ends as expected. It’s really dumb. If you’re really into watching women get victimized for an hour and then maybe get their revenge for two minutes, I guess you could give it a shot.

1 out of 5 hypothermic, naked women.

Magic Magic (spoilers throughout)

Ah, the dumbest of them all. I admit to being intrigued for the first half hour of this movie, but once I realized the movie has an unreliable narrator, I kinda gave up on the whole thing. I like unreliable narrators, but when you got every other character acting weird as shit and then compound that with a protagonist that appears to be schizophrenic, is there really any point in watching? If there is no basis for reality and the events aren’t even that interesting (oh woo, this guy is mean to her, her friend was rude on the phone, a dog tried to hump her), it’s hard to take it seriously. Couple this with a really dumb ending and you get Magic Magic.

Everyone in this movie is both irritating and stupid. And terrible, like the guy who wants to have sex with his girlfriend who had an abortion the previous day and suggests anal when she says she’s still hurting. What.

In the ending, her friends take her to a Mexican witch who tries to exorcise her and ends up chocking her to death by feeding her a frog. This is happening as about ten people watch, none of them saying anything, apparently convinced she’s possessed.

I can’t say enough bad things about this movie. Fuck it.

0 out of 5 humping dogs.

These Movies are Terrible: Home Sweet Home and Insidious 2

Home Sweet Home (2013)
What a terrible movie. The home invasion resurgence I’m seeing is bad enough on it’s own, but where other movies might try something a little bit different, this one is happy to be the usual shitty tripe. There is no Wikipedia page and the synopsis on IMDB is one line long, so I’ll have to wing it. A couple is spending a night at home when they realize some dude wearing that mask from Saw has broken into their home and also trapped them inside. That’s really about it and from here on, expect major spoilers.

Of course, the husband immediately gets his, leaving the wife to play the cat and mouse game with the killer. Of course right before that, she thought she’d surprise her husband with some sexy times while wearing a cheerleader uniform, so naturally the killer hunts her around the house with her dressed as a slightly aged cheerleader. She gets captured, escapes, gets captured again and so on.

A lot of dumb shit takes place, she makes choices that make no sense, her husband is completely useless and gets fucked up constantly and then in the end we have the usual fake-out death. The killer then stops messing around and murders the poor woman and then the plot twist hits. Turns out he was a police officer and under the painter’s onesie he’s wearing is a full cop getup. He stages the scene to make it look like he was called to the house and the credits roll.

I’m not sure how he’s going to explain that he got shot with the victim’s gun or where exactly he was earlier and why he’s at their house when no call has been made. Does this guy even have a shift? Or is he more like a freelance cop that works on the weekends? I don’t know. I’m sure you can plug these plot holes with some mental gymnastics, I’m vaguely aware that there was a whole thing where the couple had called the police the previous day about a prowler, but really, it’s too dumb to think about.

There is really nothing interesting about this movie.

1 out of 5 home invaders.

Insidious 2 (2013)

I honestly didn’t love the first insidious and I could never understand why people talk it up. It felt like one of those movies that you’d only think are interesting if you watch maybe a couple of horror movies a year. To me, it had a bunch of ideas I’ve seen before, but at least it was competently made, so I wasn’t completely disappointment. I’m even planning a re-watch.

I went into the sequel/prequel with good intentions, but ultimately, it was pretty bad. Again, Wikipedia fails me for a synopsis.

The movie takes place almost immediately after the end of the first one. The family moves to another house and tries to get things back to normal. But weird shit still happens, this time apparently centering around her husband and the baby.

Spoilers ahead.

The movie serves as both a prequel and a sequel to the original movie. We get a flashback showing how the father of the family also had a run in with the demons/ghosts/whatevers when he was a kid and managed to suppress his astral projecting abilities. Everything that takes place in the flashbacks is really well done and all around interesting. The problem lies with all the shit they add to the current timeline, which ends up coming off like a an episode of Supernatural mixed with American Horror Story season one. They throw in some ghosts, an overbearing, crazy mom, a cross-dressing serial killer that appears both as his innocent child self and his later, murderous incarnation and somehow try and tie all this in to the events of the first movie. It fell flat for me, though your mileage may vary.

I kept waiting for something to happen that would tie it up nicely, but it never came. It really is as disjointed as it looked to be. The bit of mindfuck where the events in the flashback are a reaction to the events of the future (you’ll know it when you see it, the movie makes sure to hit you over the head with it) was really the only interesting part of the movie.

The movie isn’t shy about showing us a bunch of ghosts in broad daylight (always accompanied by the usual piano and string cues), which gets ridiculous pretty fast. There is only a handful of effective scares and none of them are really that original or interesting. It’s a very formulaic offering, overall.

It’s probably not completely terrible, but nowhere near as good as the original, which wasn’t that good to begin with, so eh.

2 out of 5 ghosts.

Horror Short Film Roundup

Sometimes I watch horror short films. I thought you might like some too. Watch these. These are good.
I recommend full screen.

This one is animated and kinda long, but it’s well made and the song is killer.

Short and sweet.

This is probably one of the best stop motion ones I’ve seen. I love it.

Has some good visuals, but ultimately I was disappointed that they didn’t do more with the idea. Worth a watch though.


This is terrifying. Don’t miss this one.

Timecapsule Interview: Jack Ketchum 2005


This interview was probably done sometime in 2004-2005. I was 21 years old at the time and I ran a fanzine called CARNIVAL MACABRE. I interviewed Jack Ketchum for it, but ended up selling the interview to DARK WISDOM, for those of you who remember the now defunct magazine. I didn’t know it was included for years, until I figured it out and contacted the folks over at DARK WISDOM, who graciously mailed me copies and paid me for the interview. They’re nice people.

Anyway, I’m including it here without edits. It probably ain’t great, but Jack had some great answers.

Jack Ketchum has been one of my favorite writers for quite a while now, since reading ”Girl Next Door” in the Greek translation(by Oxy Publications) and was blown away by it. Up until then, my diet consisted of supernatural horror novels( you all know what I’m taking about, it’s what I like to call ”mainstream horror”), and this book opened up a whole new world to me. A much darker world, so to speak. I can only be thankful for that and present you with an interview with the man himself.

Jack Ketchum is the pseudonym for a former actor, singer, teacher, literary agent, lumber salesman, and soda jerk — a former flower child and baby boomer who figures that in 1956 Elvis, dinosaurs and horror probably saved his life. His first novel, Off Season, prompted the Village Voice to publicly scold its publisher in print for publishing violent pornography. He personally disagrees but is perfectly happy to let you decide for yourself. His short story The Box won a 1994 Bram Stoker Award from the HWA and his story Gone won again in 2000, and he has written eleven novels, the latest of which are Red, Ladies’ Night, and The Lost. His stories are collected in The Exit At Toledo Blade Boulevard, Broken on the Wheel of Sex, and Peaceable Kingdom.

George Cotronis: How much of the real ”you” is in your books? Were any of them inspired by personal experiences, or have some basis in reality?

Jack Ketchum: Sure, I draw on personal experiences a lot. THE GIRL NEXT DOOR is almost a memory-play of what it was like to grow up in New Jersey when I did — minus, I hasten to add, the plot. SHE WAKES used a lot of what I saw and did in Greece. In PEACEABLE KINGDOM there’s a story called AMID THE WALKING WOUNDED which was about my nosebleed from hell and another called THE HOLDING CELL which was about my first — and only, thank god — DUI arrest. I could go on. But beyond that most of my stuff is reality-based. Something I’ve read about or heard about second-hand that triggers a story.

GC: As a horror writer, you attempt to scare us. What are you afraid of? What was your biggest childhood fear?

JK: When Jeff Gelb was preparing FEAR ITSELF — a very fine anthology by the way — he asked us all to write what scared us personally, not what we thought would scare somebody else. I raised my hand like a kid in class and said, “is anybody doing snakes??” Hence the story of the same name again collected in PEACEABLE KINGDOM. I refer you to that one for early childhood fears — and I used a number of personal experiences there too. But I was also afraid of practically everything as a kid. From The Bomb to the bully up the goddamn street.

GC: Most of the stuff you write is rather heavy, or right down depressing for some. Are you always in that state of mind? Going around holding a gun to your head?

JK: Hey, wait a minute. I write some pretty funny shit as well sometimes. Think of the stories in BROKEN ON THE WHEEL OF SEX for instance. Though now that I think of it, most of that, funny or not, is probably basically depressing too. I guess the answer to your question is another question. What the fuck kind of world are you living in that I don’t know about?

GC: Pretty much the same world. It was a question my friends asked me when I made them read your books. I now have no friends. I know that you have a lot of influences and a wide scope in reading, but who would you say where the writers or books that influenced early on in writing?

JK: Good god, they’re legion. Very earliest influences off the top of my head would be comic books — pre-comic-code weird stuff and Classic Comics especially — then short stories by Bloch, Bradbury, Matheson, Sturgeon, Lovecraft, Derleth, Dahl and among the novels, DRACULA, JEKYLL AND HYDE, FRANKENSTEIN, anything by Mickey Spillane, PEYTON PLACE, HARRISON HIGH, A STONE FOR DANNY FISHER, BLACKBOARD JUNGLE, THE AMBOY DUKES, plays by Tennessee Williams, Shakespear’s tragedies (I read them with the Classic Comics on one side of the desk and the text on the other early on), Edith Hamilton’s book on Greek myths, Roy Chapman Andrews’ ALL ABOUT DINOSAURS and anything else I could get my hands on the subject, e.e.Cummings’ poetry, and cheap sensational paperback lit of every kind. Oh, yes, and MAD, CRACKED, and FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND. That do for starters?

GC: You don’t usually write supernatural horror (except for SHE WAKES). Why is that? Would you say that the horror that comes from humanity itself scares us more than things that go bump in the night?

JK: There are people who do bump in the night better than I do. Wait, that didn’t come out right. I mean, there are people who write supernatural much better than I do. So I tend to leave it mostly to the masters. Though SHE WAKES and some of my stories occasionally go there my forte seems to be reality and what scares me therein.

GC: How important is music to your writing? Do you listen to music when writing or is it otherwise involved in the process?

JK: I can’t listen to anything while I’m writing. Even my cats distract me. I’m envious of painters and other writers I know who can. I need silence and a blank wall. A phrase of music will often pop into my mind and I’ll use it in a piece but if I’m actually listening to music at the time, all I can do is listen. Maybe it’s because I was a singer once. Music still grabs all of my attention even if it’s terrible.

GC: Being criticized constantly regarding your subject matter must be hard. How much exactly does it affect you?

JK: I’m really not criticized constantly. Not at all. If that’s going on somewhere I’m not hearing it. For the most part people seem to get what I’m driving at. What criticism I have had hasn’t effected me much at all. It’s not that I’m particularly brave. It’s just that the only way I know how to do a piece is the way it occurs to me to do it. Then I just let it go where it goes.

GC: Of all your books, which one do you think is the hardest on the reader? More shocking?

JK: From readers’ comments I’d say three. THE GIRL NEXT DOOR, OFF SEASON (UNEXPURGATED EDITION in particular) and RIGHT TO LIFE. Those are the ones people have said to me, sorry I can’t go there, most often. But also STRANGLEHOLD aka ONLY CHILD because of the child-abuse factor.

GC: What, in your opinion, is most important, or what technique do you use to strip the reader of his mental defenses and scare or provoke similar strong emotions in him?

JK: I first try to scare myself. If I can do that successfully it usually seems to translate to the reader. But it’s the same thing with portraying any emotion. First you gotta move yourself. Then you get that feeling under control so it’s not just wild babbling and state it well — that’s learned technique — it’s a mix of feeling and self-control.

GC: Are you writing anything lately? What projects are you involved with?

JK: I just finished a story for Nanci Kalanta’s Horrorworld site which will be out in November — my first short story to be debuted on the net — and I’ve recorded two stories on CD, FOREVER and FATHER AND SON, for Borderlands’ DARK VOICES series. As we speak I’m roughing out a nonfiction piece for Asian Cult Cinema on Takashi Ishii’s NEW FLOWER AND SNAKE. Then there’s this novel thing hovering in the background.

GC: How come you were drawn to horror fiction in the first place? What was your first brush with it so to speak?

JK: Where I grew up, the woods were dark at night and filled with fear and pleasure…

October Challenge #2: Bride of Chucky


After watching the latest Chucky flick, I felt I had to see the two that came before that I hadn’t seen. Bride of Chucky and Seed of Chucky. After watching the former, I’m not sure I want to see the latter. Anyway. I’m gonna keep this short because the movie isn’t worth it. The premise is ridiculous, the acting is atrocious, even the kills are dumb (if you go for that kind of thing). There’s very little to like here, especially not the nu-metal soundtrack that screams ”we’re cool we promise!”

IMDB plot summary says ”Chucky, the doll possessed by a serial killer, discovers the perfect mate to kill and revive into the body of another doll.” which is about as lackluster as the movie itself. Chucky gets resurected by his old girlfriend, who is hoping he’ll be super thankful and marry her or something. Turns out Chucky is still a dick and he kills her and turns her into a doll too. Now they’re both stuck in doll bodies, but they figure out a way that will allow them to change into human bodies. They need something from Chucky’s grave, so they hitch a ride with this neighbor kid that is eloping with his girlfriend. Even my synopsis sounds better than the actual plot of this piece of shit.

A bunch of things in the movie make no sense. In previous movies Chucky was pretty capable and largely resistant. In this one he gets placed into a play pen by his girlfriend and he’s stuck in there. He also (almost) dies when he gets stabbed. The part where everyone thinks the two young lovers are responsible for the murders is laughable too. Especially the one where a police car explodes and somehow they get blamed, as if they were carrying car bombs. I don’t know.

I give up, there’s nothing here to like.

1 out of 5 shitty dolls.

October Challenge 2013: The List

This is the list of movies we’re watching this October. I expect some of the movies to be switched with others as the mood strikes, but that’s okay. It’s a weird list because it’s really not a top 30 of my favorite horror movies or anything. Lots of movies didn’t make the list because I had re-watched them recently or just because I didn’t feel like re-watching them.
Let’s see if I can come up with anything interesting to say about these flicks after the jump.



1. Stake Land – I’ve seen this one before and I still enjoy it. It has some goofy kung fu stuff going on, but I like that they took the time to do some world building in this one.

2. Haunting of Helena – First viewing. I posted the review yesterday. Not something I’d re-watch.

3. Pontypool – It has an interesting premise and I’ve forgotten enough about it to want to re-watch it.

4. Lords of Salem – Re-watch solely for the visuals.

5. Paranorman – We watched this recently so we might end up not seeing it again, but it’s just really good and a perfect fit for Halloween.

6. Livide – This one was a bit of a letdown when it finally came out, but it has some of the best scenes I’ve seen in a horror movie. Definitely worth a re-watch.

7. Vanishing on 7th Street – This one isn’t really that great, but the girlfriend hasn’t seen it, so we will.

8. Monsters – This one I actually like, but I’ve definitely watched it too many times. Girlfriend hasn’t seen it though.

9. Coraline – It’s pretty good. Worth a re-watch. I think the director is the same as for Paranorman.

10. Splinter – While I’m getting tired of watching this, it’s still a fun movie. I dig the monsters.

11. The Burrowers – This one is a bit slow, but it’s been a while and I want to see how it holds up on repeat viewings. Cowboy horror!

12. GP – One of my favorite horror movies. Looking forward to watching it again.

13. Trick ‘r Treat – Might save this for Halloween. It’s the perfect movie.

14. Teeth – I’ve described the movie to my girlfriend a hundred times, but we still haven’t watched it. So in it goes.

15. Cold Prey – I’m not a huge fan of slasher flicks outside the classics, but this Norwegian movie has a nice setting and it feels pretty fresh for what is essentially a run-of-the-mill slasher movie.

16. Slither – Always fun.

17. The Dark – I liked some of the visuals. I think Sean Bean dies in this one.

18. Tucker & Dale vs. Evil – Probably the best horror comedy in existence.

19. Dead Air – I don’t actually remember this at all and I’ve watched it.

20. R-Point – Another Korean horror movie. Not as good as GP, but still good.

21. Undead – I haven’t watched this in ages. I remember it’s a pretty crazy Australian zombie flick.

22. My Little Eye – Mostly for nostalgia’s sake.

23. Bride of Chucky – The only Chucky film I haven’t watched yet.

24. The Nightmare Before Christmas – Needs no introduction.

25. The Blob – I like this remake. I watched it as a kid and fell in love with it.

26. Teen Wolf – Not sure about this one, but it’s definitely been a while since I last watched it.



29. All the Evil Dead movies.

30. The Conjuring – Heard good things.

31. Pacific Rim – I guess this is cheating, but I wanna watch it and can’t wait till November.

32. The American Scream – Bonus round. A documentary about families and their Halloween decorations.





Bad Movie Two-Punch: Fright Night 2 and Curse of Chucky


I feel dirty just writing about these, but I felt I should warn people. Me and the girlfriend watched these in the last couple of days and we’re still reeling from the terribleness of it all. Curse of Chucky Decided to watch it because in the onslaught of bad slasher flicks, even a Chucky movie could be a nice change of pace. Though it did fulfil that role, the movie was really bad.

IMDB says ”After her mother’s mysterious death, Nica begins to suspect that the talking, red-haired doll her visiting niece has been playing with may be the key to recent bloodshed and chaos.”

It stars some TV actors I couldn’t really place. Nica’s sister is played by a woman with so many surgeries done to her face she could be the star of her own horror movie. There is a really dumb lesbian subplot for some reason. Chucky is now CGI and doesn’t really say a lot. When he does, even the cheesy one liners are not that good or funny (and always misogynistic).

There are a couple of decent shots but there really isn’t much here to like. The ending makes no sense. There is a scene after the credits that is better than the rest of the film put together, although it completely negates everything that happened before.

Mark the text below for spoilers.

About halfway through the movie, the niece disappears. It turns out she was hiding in a closet, playing ”hide and seek”. I’m not quite sure how she could be hiding and ignoring the million times each person in the house calls out to her, screams in terror, gets stabbed, dies, falls from the second floor, down the stairs or when the power goes out and so on. That’s one dedicated little girl. Then even though the niece survives, we watch as Nica is found guilty for the murders that Chucky committed. I guess the niece didn’t want to narc on Chucky. Oh hey, wasn’t there also VIDEO FOOTAGE of Chucky murdering almost everyone in the house? No, I guess the paraplegic murdering four people made more sense. Okay.

The after credits scene shows the kid from the original movies receiving Chucky in the mail. He answers the phone and Chucky gets out of the box just in time to get his head blown off with a shotgun. I’m not quite sure why Chucky is still in the doll, since at the end of the movie it looks like he successfully transferred to the little girl.

1 out of 5 Good Guy dolls.

Next up: Fright Night 2 (2013)
I knew this was going to be bad, but I figured that the recipe is so classic that it could still be fun. I was wrong. The director chose to keep none of the original set up (vampire neighbor) but all of the original plot points. So you know exactly what’s going to happen and when, but it’s all dressed up as something else. Perfect.
It takes place in Romania, where some college-aged kids from the US are there to attend some classes (?). Apparently in Romania classes often take place after midnight and instead of teaching a class, there’s a full-blown rock concert show complete with smoke, lights and a WWE entrance by the professor. The professor, who is a hot hot hot lesbian (I feel the movie wanted me to really know how hot she was) that the main protagonist watches having sex at least twice before she’s introduced. Anyway, the rest is by the numbers with some truly eye-rolling events unfolding. Apparently Elizabeth Bathory was known as ”Countess Dracula” and was Romanian. News to me, but what do I know. They also switch out the Chris Angel-like Peter Vincent of the remake to an even more dumb Mythubusters kind of guy.
It’s just really, really dumb, I can’t go on.

0 out of 5 Draculas