Capsule Reviews: Lord of Tears and Monsters 2

Lord of Tears

This is the one with that Owl Man dude that everyone thought was super creepy. While I like the monster design, we only get to see it a few times. The rest of the movie, we’re enjoying people talking about shit nobody really cares about, trapped in a film that looks like it was shot on a 20$ camcorder and then transferred to VHS, probably recorded over some old Seinfeld episodes.

It looks like garbage, it’s slow as heck. There’s nothing here.

I don’t know. I just can’t.

0 out of 5 Owls

Monsters 2: The Dark Continent

Hey, we should take that pretty decent indie flick that came out a few years ago and make a shitty sequel, mixing American Sniper in with Cloverfield. But make it extra shitty.

Bunch of soldiers head out to the middle east where giant monsters are hanging out. But they’re still fighting those TERRISTS out there, while the monsters are an after thought. It’s as if a rejected Jarhead sequel’s script pages got mixed in with a monster movie. This is really bad and all the ‘MURICA shit gets old real fast.

I mean, I dunno. Written and directed by the guy who directed the second season of Misfits, which wasn’t that bad. Maybe he should leave the writing to someone else.

1 out of 5 Vagina Monsters (DNF)